Fading by Increments
by Reamhar
Summary: Fading in Increments is the companion story to Dying by Degrees and shows Edward’s point of view of the events in Dying by Degrees. It begins during the plane ride from Italy and continues on into an AU Eclipse with cannon couples through out.
1. Chapter 1

**Fading in Increments**

Notes

_Fading in Increments_ is the companion story to _Dying by Degrees_ and shows Edward's point of view of the events in _Dying by Degrees_.

The story is set during _New Moon_ and contains spoilers and some text from _New Moon_, specifically chapter 23, "The Truth." Canon couples, rated M just to be safe for later. I am Bella and Edward all the way, so if you like Bella and Jacob, then I'm afraid this is not the story for you.

Disclaimer

All characters, text and story lines are from the Twilight Saga belong to the talented Stephenie Meyer. I am just borrowing them briefly for non-monetary purposes. No infringement is intended. Any poetry or lyrics used belong to their respective owners and will be acknowledge when used.

**Chapter One**

* * *

_Don't go anywhere without me._

_Let nothing happen in the sky apart from me,_

_or on the ground, in this world or that world,_

_without my being in its happening._

_Vision, see nothing I don't see._

_Language, say nothing._

_The way the night knows itself with the moon,_

_be that with me. Be the rose_

_nearest to the thorn that I am._

_I want to feel myself in you when you taste food,_

_in the arc of your mallet when you work,_

_when you visit friends, when you go_

_up on the roof by yourself at night._

_There's nothing worse than to walk out along the street_

_without you. I don't know where I'm going._

_You're the road, and the knower of roads,_

_more than maps, more than love._

_The Arc Of Your Mallet - Rumi_

* * *

Every breath that she is takes is precious to me. Every thump and whoosh of her heart more valuable than the one before as it pushes the elixir of life around her body. From the inferior and superior vena cava into the right atrium, then to the right ventricle to the lungs, and back through the left atrium, left ventricle into the aorta; around and around in a natural circular pattern as old as time itself. The medical terms come easily to me - without effort on my part - but it is the process itself, that so thoughtless occurs over and over again in her slight body, which has become the rhythm to my existence. Bella's heart beats for us both.

With her head tucked under my chin, I watch as my unneeded breath disturbs the silky strands of her hair. Entranced by the way each individual strand moves, I sit captivated as they dance in the dim light of the dark plane's cabin, hypnotised by shifting shades of mahogany and red.

_But she is so quiet...._

Surrounded by the mental crush of humanity on the plane I should be finding the cacophony of inner voices intrusive at the least, but Bella mental silence acts as a salve to the inconsequential noise of the people around us. She is a point of focus upon which I can centre myself and exclude the rest. Bella is the centre of my world.

What I wouldn't give to be able to hear her inner voice. To peel back the layers of her mind and be able to nestle within the seclusion of her thoughts alone. The irony that hers is the only mind that I cannot enter, and at the same time the only one that I would ever choose to hear, is not lost to me. The situation sums up what we are very well; a paradox. Yet we are together despite my best efforts to tear us apart. Fate thrust her back into my harm's way, so who am I to argue against a second chance at heaven. I won't make the same mistake twice. I can't.

Being apart from her during those dark months of empty existence, I believe, made me lose my sanity a little. Each minute alone, my will to be strong and stay away faded by increments with my ability to exist on my own. Without the light of her love in my life, I was losing the fight to _be_ never mind _live -i_f you can call what I am living. That irony has never been lost on me either, any more than the situation we are in now can, because what merciful God would partner an angel with a monster? As much as the cosmos maybe playing serendipitous games with us I am and will always be her monster. I can only hope that she still wants to be my angel.

_She is so quiet. Too quiet. _

With greedy arms I hold her tightly to my chest and the continuous lub dub, lub dub, lub dub sounds of her heart are like the sweetest music to me. Nothing can surpass it, and nothing will ever stop it while I have false breath in my body, until nature takes it course. Only then will I step aside. Then I will gladly lay down the burden of this existence with a smile on my face and follow her into the unknown. I would follow Bella anywhere willingly.

Perhaps the fates are smiling on us finally. Perhaps this is our chance to make the best of what we have, as flawed as it is. I will dedicate my existence to the tiny scrape of humanity who sits curled so trustingly in my arms. I will be a better man for her, and she will be my life. When it is over, I will be with her again. God owes us that much, doesn't he?

_Please, Bella, speak to me. Say my name. Make this really for me. Silence the voice in my head that thinks this is a dream. Please, speak to me..._

Suddenly she burrows closer to my chest, tucking her head into the space between my chin and my shoulder and I am immediately comforted even as my throat burns. My thirst, odious evidence of the beast that I am, seems so inconsequential to me now. I have faced her death head on, and by some miracle come through the other side with Bella in my arms. The reality of that hell followed by heaven, nullifies the effect of her blood. My baser desires quelled by the prospect of the greater hell of our future parting. So the burn in my throat, which is so much more intense because I have been slowly starving myself since we parted, is a painful irritation and nothing more. It will not conquer my desire to stay by her side.

_My Bella. My Angel._

I cradle her closer to me, happy to feel her respond in kind, and the fleeting anxiety that her silence nurtures, slides away. This is enough for now, and whatever follows will be enough too, because she is my life and she lives.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"_Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh."  
_

_Leonard Cohen_

Blocking out the endlessly murmuring inner voices on this flight is harder than it should be. My months of self-imposed starvation have sharpened my gift, not dulled it. Vampires are the ultimate predators and gifted vampires are an enhancement on the species. My hunger, strong as it is, has enhanced my talent so I might better understand how to track and kill my prey to sate the hunger. One might call this evolution in action, or Gods better punished of the damned. Whichever, it is a punishment which I quietly accept. I can't claim to be ill – vampires don't get sick per se – but with my heightened anxiety and the mental press of humanity around me I can imagine that this feeling of pressure might be similar to a human migraine.

Trying to distract myself, I let my fingers pass over Bella's hair again and again, as I watch the individual strands move against the skin of my fingers in shifting shades of mahogany and auburn silk. I tell myself I am offering her comfort but know I am also creating undeserved comfort for myself

One of the Stewardesses moves with careful quiet down the dimly lit aisle. The movement of the fabric of her clothes as she walks announces her progress to my heighten senses as loudly as a marching band. Louder still are the boorishly crude reflections of a male passenger several rows back as he admires the way the she fills her uniform, and enrols the hapless women in an erotic daydream which I struggle to block out. Outwardly my face shifts into a grimace as I force mental walls into place before I'm pulled deeper into his fantasy.

Alice, sitting across the aisle, stretches silently and straightens from her former slouch as she acts out the human mannerism for waking up. Of course, she has been no more asleep than I have and despite her carefully delivered rendition of relaxed slumber, her mental voice has been less than silent for the interminably slow hours of this flight. She has been switching between well directed anger and blocking her thoughts to me in the loudest and most obnoxiously irritating ways possible.

I understand why; I'm being punished, but I have bigger anxieties to worry over, so I have been doing my best to ignore her, with less than successful results.

_I told you to feed before we left. _ She directs at me silently.

And I made it clear when she "told me", that leaving Bella's side even for a second was unacceptable to me. I'd struggled with the separation of Bella being seated next to me and the barrier of the armrest in the down position while we waited to take-off; despite the strong hold I had had of her tiny hand. Worse was the moment in the Volturi waiting room when Bella had offered to sit with Alice to ease my thirst. That had caused a slash of pain so sharp that it had stopped the stolen breath in my throat at the thought of the loss of her closeness. I think if she had actually left my side I would have been brought to my knees. Alice, next only to Carlisle, is able to read me easily, and she had read my expression in that waiting room correctly. With her understanding she had thrown the first of many mental rebukes regarding my actions or inactions depending on her mood. In that moment I had been an "_idiotic_ _Drama Queen" _apparently.

Alice sliding the blind open to reveal a slowly lightening sky through the small window seems to catch Bella's attention and she shifts slightly to look towards Alice. I have to make myself loosen my greedy hands as they continue to stroke through Bella's hair to allow her to turn her head.

_Not long now. _Alice's inner voice murmurs and her thoughts become coloured with warmth as she allows me to see her future reunion with Jasper at the airport. _Foreheads touching, Jasper's inner calm projecting, followed by his happiness at having Alice safe in his arms again._ _Her vision shifts towards other figures waiting behind their embracing bodies ..._ and then the obnoxious ABBA song singing begins again as my view is blocked as effectively as if she had slammed a door in my face.

I grimace in her direction and see the tiny, upward quirk of her lips which reveals how much she's enjoying keeping me in suspense.

_No previews for you._

Both our attentions snap back to Bella as her almost bonelessly relaxed posture stiffens and her heart starts to race as though something is hurting her physically. I pull back, trying to see her face to find the source of her upset, but her hands claw into my shirt as she pulls herself against me, burying her face between my shoulder and chin. The warm puff of her breath hits the skin of my neck coming in fast little pants of distress.

Alice and I look at each other and our mutual worry for Bella means that our quarrel is put aside for the moment. I ask a question with my eyes and Alice replies with a slight tilt of her head; she has no answers either.

I let my lips touch Bella' ear and feel comforted by the contact, before vocalising my worry with a question in the form of her name, "Bella?" I feel her shudder subtly and my anxiety increases with my confusion.

Bella's face turns a fraction and I watch hopelessly unsure as she looks across to Alice. They silently converse for painfully dragging seconds while I am shut out from the conversation and impotent to do anything about the exclusion. When Bella starts to tremble in my arms my need to protect her from whatever is causing this distress spirals higher and higher. Bella suddenly sucks in a huge breath, and then another, almost gulping in air as though she is suffocating, and I can't stand this enforced quiet any longer.

"Bella?"

The sound of my voice jars into their silence, like an expletive shouted in a hushed church as I try to force my way into Bella increasing panic to control my own. Her trembling worsens, and I add physical movement to my intrusion by shaping her small face in my hands, and gently but firmly turning her face away from Alice and towards me.

I am gifted with her beautiful brown eyes and the sensation of her nuzzling against my palm. For the briefest moments I am selfishly soothed until I realise she is still shaking.

"Are you okay?" I ask, trying to temper the intensity of the question with a calm even tone. Her eyes study me and I can see her inner struggle as she tries to reply. It's painful to watch.

"I-I... I'm f-fine."

Of course, that is her stock answer but the thundering of her heart and the tremor in her voice betrays that she is lying. I have no idea what is wrong or how to rectify the pain that so clearly shines in the tears forming in her eyes. Panicking I move without planning to, and my body hunches over and around her small body protectively. Even as I move closer, silently begging for her to let me in – to let me know how to help –I feel her begin to draw away.

_Bella's hands let go of my shirt as she slowly sits up straight in my lap leaving my hands, which were previously holding her beloved face, empty. My muscles lock with panic for a few frozen seconds as my brain processes and then rejects the notion that she is moving away from me...could move away from me. It's a reality that I can't make myself accept even though I can see some sort of resolve in her eyes._

_My empty hands hover uselessly, anticipating her return, but I force them down to my sides before I do something desperate like grab her back against her will. She moves again awkwardly. As though trying to stretch stiff muscles and hope blossoms in me for shatteringly short second. Perhaps she is just uncomfortable and adjusting her position before she can bring her warmth back into my arms, but she makes no attempt to return._

_Holding onto my wits by a thin margin, I reach out to Alice's mind to see if she any insight. Her mind is gives me no answers, not in a forced way as if she was blocking me, but simply clear. Empty like a blank page in a book. _

_I fight my anxiety as I feel Bella move again and have to force myself to remain still despite the voice in my head that is screaming at me to hold her and fight my way passed this building tension between us._

_Gently, Edward. __ Alice cautions._

_It is not Alice's inner voice that I need to hear to calm my rising panic. It's Bella's. I want to hear her speak so badly that the need is choking me._

_Bella's wide eyes hold my gaze as I plead with her to gift me with the mercy of contact of any kind. Words, touch...anything. Without her I am drowning, bereft and rapidly losing my ability think rationally over the volume of the fear that is screaming inside me at the thought of her even moving one inch away from me._

_Despite Alice's caution and Bella's silence I feel my fear overriding my ability to do the right thing and not grab Bella and in the space of time between two of Bella's short, choppy breathes I can feel my hands moving to pull her to me again._

_Suddenly she is moving and my worst fear comes to life as she scrambles off my lap and back into her allocated seat which has sat empty since the first second after the Fasten Seat Belt sign went off._

_She sits rigid with tension, her face in profile to me. I watch a tear slide slowly down her face, catching the light as it glides over the soft swell of her cheek bone and onto her neck. A feeling of profound emptiness comes over me and I shift towards her ready to reach out again, or to at least turn her to face me so I might at have the connection of eye to eye contact. Before I can put thought and movement together into action, she turns towards me, and the expression on her face leaves me frozen: sorrow, fear and then a blank mask._

_I scrabble to find some words, but she speaks first. Quick and breathless, her voice stutters, "I need a human moment." And a soft flush begins to creep across her pale face._

_I feel doubt and then relief flood over me. Of course, how __Bella__, to be uncomfortable about her bodies biological needs._

"I knew all that soda was going to be a problem eventually," I say, smiling and she smiles in return. I want to believe that there is true humour behind the soft curl of her lips.

Bella stands and I move out of my seat so that she can step into the aisle in front of me. She turns her back towards me, and the urge to reach out and touch her has me moving my hand into the small of her back as she walks. She tenses on contact and turns to look at me, her expression unsure.

"Wha-what are you doing?"

"Coming with you."

"I think I can manage to go potty by myself," she replies.

I'm confused for by the slight sarcasm in her voice, then realise that perhaps my company is inappropriate for such a trip.

_Edward. _Alice sighs, her internal voice surprisingly aggravated and I think that I am missing something more. I turn to Alice, trying to gain insight from her expression but turn back to Bella again as she speaks.

"Edward. What trouble can I get into walking 32 feet down a corridor in a plane at 30 thousand feet?" Bella whispers angrily.

"I wouldn't like to speculate an answer, trouble magnet that you are," I whisper back as I reach for her hand. When she jerks away I know there is something very wrong.

"If you are _so_ sure that trouble likes my company, perhaps you should have thought twice about leaving me alone in Forks while Laurent was lurking feeling hungry!"

Her anger is so sharp that it cuts me a like knife because it's true. I did leave her alone and vulnerable, and I'm going to have to suffer that failure for the rest of my existence. Her anger is no less than I deserve.

She stares at my face for several seconds, before muttering, "More God damn guilt!"

Her pain is more than I can bear. Worse than the burn of my change, worse the fever and choking death of the Spanish Flu that killed my parents as her beautiful features seems to contort under the weight of it. The tragedy of her face twisted in temper at me strangles my ability to form the right words to give her the apology I so want to make.

Then the angry seems to wilt out of her as she pleads, "I-I, can't do this now, Edward." She turns walks away from me towards the far end of the plane.

I stand immobile watching her walk away. Frozen by the depth of my own failure to protect my reason for existing from the poison of my world, and praying that the love of my life can find it within her to forgive me enough to walk back towards me again despite my failure.


	3. Chapter 3

_This was horrendously difficult to write. Mostly because I want to slap "book Edward" and tell him to get over himself. Much as I love the characters that Stephanie Meyer created so brilliantly, both Bella and Edward are true to themselves above all things while at the same time being fatally flawed._

_This chapter contains text from Stephenie Meyer's book New Moon, specifically Chapter 23, "The Truth". No infringement is intended._

_Chapter condenses events in Chapters Three and Four of Dying by Degrees._

* * *

**Chapter Three**

_What did my arms do before they held you?_

_Sylvia Plath_

My heart is howling at me to follow Bella before she has gone three steps. She's angry with me, and I can deal with that as it's deserved. Watching her walking away from me because of her anger is killing me. My feet are moving before she has gone five metres, but Alice's tiny hand on my arm stops me.

_She asked you for some space. _ She tugs on my arm. _So give her some space. _Another tug, stronger this time. _For Bella. _ I sit in the seat beside Alice, as instructed, because I would do anything for Bella.

_First sensible decision you've made in a long while._

I ignore Alice's grumbling because she is distracting me. Instead, I watch Bella greedily through the minds of the few passengers who are awake and notice her pass by, studying every view that they give me of my wounded love. My own eyes follow Bella's retreating figure from behind. The way she is moving is foreign to me, too stiff, too straight, not my Bella at all. That is my fault.

When she stumbles, my automatic reaction is to try to catch her, but Alice's hand once again restrains me. I have to stop myself from physically rumbling a frustrated growl in her direction.

_Don't you even dare_! Alice glares at me.

Bella saves herself from a tumble by grabbing onto the seat back of an empty chair before continuing on with careful steps.

_As if I would let her fall and hurt herself._

I see a sudden flash of guilt from Alice as a mental image of Bella looking skinny and drained, standing by the sea somewhere, escapes her mind. A brief thought follows the images that she doesn't manage to keep from me either.

_Even though I've let her fall before. Never again..._

I flinch at the image of my failure made flesh through Alice's eyes.

Alice sighs and her mental discipline is back, along with the odious internal singing.

I want to ask her what the image was–where it came from–but I don't ask the question because I know she won't answer either mentally or verbally. In fact, she hasn't actually spoken to me out loud since we got onto the plane; such is the depth of her fury with me. It's a petty form of punishment but it's the only one that she's got at the moment, so she's using it.

Alice's visions and my ability to read them have always brought us closer together. As if our gifts complement each other. It's disconcerting for me to be so disconnect from Alice. Alice knows this and is cultivating that feeling as part of her punishment. I've also seen from her mind that she needs the distance for self protection as much as punishment. I've hurt her in so many ways throughout this episode. Ours is another relationship that I've damaged through my actions.

Bella has reached the restroom. When she locks the door, putting a metal barrier between us, my fingers dig into the leather arms of my seat like claws. The physical distance between us is painful and the urge to rush to her floods over me again.

_If she needs time alone, she gets time alone. She deserves that much from you._

You're wrong Alice, she deserves so much more. I lay my head back against the headrest and close my eyes. An outside observer might have thought I was asleep but for way I continue to claw at the arm rest. I strain to connect with Bella on some limited level by focusing on the beating of her heart inside the cold, little room.

I can hear her moving around and listen intently as she carries out some of the simple, everyday needs that the room caters to. There is a moment that stops the breath in my lungs, when her heart beat suddenly flies as though something has frightened her beyond reason.

She yells, "Stop it!" behind the closed door and then there is a soft thumping noise as though she has fallen against the door. I am on my feet faster than a human could discern the movement, ready to rush to her side.

_Don't do anything foolish, Edward. Look._

Alice allows me to see the moment that Bella decides to leave the room and how she will collect herself, and then linger in the shadows outside of the door. It occurs as Alice has shown. I watch the metal door fold back and feel a brief rush of relief to be able to see Bella standing outside the door.

I shift my weight to move. I've done what was asked of me. She has had her human moment and some space. That will have to be enough because I am completely, selfishly, unable to give her anymore separation. I just can't.

Alice distracts me with a glimpse of a flash which involves one of the stewardesses, but is so frustratingly abbreviated that it makes no sense, and my opportunity to go to Bella uninterrupted is thwarted. Alice's eyebrows rise provokingly.

_Too late._

This time I do growl long and low at her. She rolls eyes in reply.

"Let them talk," she says. "It will help."

I want to ask: how? How can our further separation help anything? Being apart is what has lead to the fractured, broken mess that we have become. It's undeniable and agonising. Instead I use Alice as a target, letting my twisting anxiety and doubt bubble over in anger towards my defiant and deliberately goading sibling.

"So you've decided that I deserve actual, spoken words now?"

"I've decided you deserve plenty, Edward. Words are the least of what you deserve," she whispers provocatively, fanning my unpredictable temper.

With a sneer I dismiss Alice and take unkind pleasure from the action because I know I am spoiling her desire for a proper war of words. She has offered me physical silence since we left Italy, well two can play at that game.

With my eyes fixed down the plane corridor I stare, holding my breath waiting for the pleasure of hearing Bella speak, even if it is to a stranger. There is a greedy, impatient part of me that is fretting and annoyed at the intrusion of the Stewardess, Jody. She is delaying Bella's return to me, and that is unacceptable. My more rationale and reasonable side can see that Jody means no harm. Her inner voice shows a kind heart with a lively mind, who has noticed the physical closeness of a young couple and became interested in their story. There is nothing speculative or salacious in her endeavors. She is a person who likes to fill quiet moments by people watching. It's here small pleasure on boring night flights.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?" Jody asks, taking in Bella's pale face and the way her hands flutter nervously. She compares Bella's body-language to a small, frightened bird.

"Edward," Bella gifts me with a soft, whisper of my name and my muscles tighten, ready to fly to her side. I yearn to hear her say my name again.

Alice's hand is once again against my arm, a restraining force that is stopping me from going to Bella's side. I glare at her with all of the frustrated fury inside of me.

"Don't interfere. Not in this," I warn.

"Don't make me have to." She glares back not intimated in the slightest.

In my moment of distraction with Alice, Bella takes a soft stuttering breath and moves towards Jody. I am denied my connection with her once again as she has moves out of my line of sight.

"Do you need a minute maybe?" Jody asks.

Bella doesn't respond directly, but Jody – and I– see something in Bella's face; vulnerability that shifts into a desperate sort of anguish. Jody wants to give Bella a hug. I just want to get down on my knees in front of the whole plane and beg forgiveness for ever having put those expressions on her face.

Jody take's Bella's arm gently and helps into a seat in the crew section of some sort of galley space.

"Do you want some water?" Jody asks at the same time as she presses a glass of water in Bella's hand. She has guessed correctly that Bella needs something, just as Bella's expression shifts to deny that she needs anything at all. How very Bella.

"You were looking a bit overwhelmed there."

Several seconds go by and Jody can see the indecision flicker across Bella's face, she decides –with the softest of intentions– to try to provoke a response from the tense, closed off woman in front of her. "He's very handsome."

Bella's eyes flash annoyance. My heart soars at the hint of something on Bella's face that gives me reason for hope.

"No, no, I didn't mean it like that," Jody laughs, an image of her fiancé flashing through her mind, colouring her thoughts with warmth and affection. She shows Bella her engagement ring.

"I'm very happily spoken for." Jody is suddenly a little embarrassed but thinks she needs to share a little of herself with Bella to get Bella to open up in return. With a slight flush to her cheeks she confesses, "It's just, night flights get boring, and I like to people watch. Well, you know." She squirms a little more internally as Bella looks back."I noticed that you two seemed very intense. Then you seemed upset, so I thought you might need help."

Sixty rapid beats of Bella's heart pass before she answers. Her voice is hesitant as though she is being very careful about her reply, "Things are a bit difficult just now."

"Did you have a falling out?" Jody asks.

"We've been apart for a while," Bella whispers. "It's been very hard for me."

Clearly a woman of great empathy, Jody reaches out to Bella and gently touches her knee, trying to offer contact. I envy her the ability to touch Bella in that moment, even though Bella jumps under her hand. Even the softest of touches from Bella would help settle the turmoil rolling around inside of me.

"Has he been away at college?"

"He's been in Italy." The soft sob in the way Bella pronounces 'Italy' makes me jerk, and almost move towards them, but I make myself stand and wait. If Alice is correct, Bella will benefit from this conversation, and I need to let her talk despite all that it is costing me to stay put.

"Oh, honey, it's okay. You just need to talk to each other. I've seen the way he looks at you. You just need to talk it out." Jody is upset to see Bella frown at this suggestion but is pleased when Bella seems to rally, with a smile and a reply that gives Jody some measure of comfort.

"You're right, I know, you're right. I'm just being spineless about this. It's just – hard. I will talk to him, I promise. You are right; I did need a moment to pull myself together. Thank you."

I know Bella too well and recognise that she doesn't believe what she is saying. She is trying very hard to make Jody feel better, but she doesn't believe that talking to me will help. The small sliver of control that was holding off my need to be beside Bella ends then. I need her to believe the lies she is giving Jody. I need it more than anything else in the world.

With long strides, making myself stay to a fast human-paced walk, I cover the ground between us and feel a fraction of relief the closer I come to Bella's warmth. Bella stands as I come up behind them, and Jody starts at the abruptness of my arrival. I don't pay attention to her reaction. All my focus is on Bella.

"Bella?"

I want to grab her up in my arms and rush back to our seat but instead settle for standing so close that my chest meets her back. Jody likes my position, she thinks I am being protective, but Bella's muscles are suddenly tense. I worry that she is going to move away again and have to remind myself that snatching her and running is not an option.

"Thank you for the drink," Bella says politely. I hate this tone in her voice, it is forced and unnatural, more evidence of the tension in her small body.

"My pleasure."

Needing reassure, I selfishly put my hand against her neck letting my thumb stroking her soft skin. The steady thrum of her blood pulsing under her skin is comforting and I am grateful to feel Bella not move away. Encouraged, I softly move my fingers over her collar bone and then slide my hand down her arm until I can hold her hand. Skin to skin, I feel myself relax.

"Thank you for your help," I say, trying to express my gratitude to Jody for her compassion towards Bella. Her reaction is predictable to one of my kind, as a soft flush creeps across her face. I wasn't trying to dazzle her – as Bella would put it– but that seems to be the end affect of my thanks.

I turn and head back towards our seats, gratefully holding Bella's hand and relieved as she turns without complaint and follows me. I anticipate the feeling of having her back on my lap and in my arms with rising need.

When we pass Alice she smiles softly at Bella, but her smile melts into a grimace when she looks up at me.

_Don't screw this up, Edward. You've hurt her enough, if you do anything to cause her more pain, you won't like the consequences._

As if I need her haranguing to understand the importance of what happens next. I understand with complete stone cold clarity how much I have to explain and make up for. I almost destroyed the beautiful creature in front of me by trying to leave.

I hiss softly at her under my breath, "Really, Alice, you think this is a point that you need to make?"

Alice makes a dismissive noise in return as I bring my attention back to Bella who drops my hand and moves passed me to sit in her former seat. I follow quickly and watch heartbroken as she turns her head away from me to stare out of the window.

I am lost. Lost in a sea of silence. I want to beg her not to look away but the words die on my lips. The physical distance between us is piercing once again, even though she is by my side. I know we need to talk but I have no idea what to say. Unable see the comfort of her eyes, I stare down at my hands as they lay in my lap like a living analogy of my emotions; frozen, impotent and useless.

Even when Bella eventually turns backs to look at me, I can't make myself look at her. I'm too scared by what I might see in her eyes. I take some comfort from the fact that she at least wants to look at me.

Bella, younger and oh so much wiser and braver than me, tries to challenge our verbal impasse.

"We need to talk."

I watch her beloved face, desperate for the smallest of clues as to how this conversation might end, cursing my inability to read her mind. Of course, I achieve nothing with my staring, so instead reach for her small hand, needing the comfort of contact. When she refuses me that small mercy by pulling her hand away, my eyes slide shut. I want the despair that floods me to swallow me whole. I caused this rift between us, and I'm honest enough to admit that I don't know how to fix it.

"Just tell me the truth. Where have you been, Edward?"

Her hand settles over my clenched fist, and I open my eyes, and rush to sandwich her hand between both of mine. With this connection, I manage to keep myself in the moment of the conversation and make myself move forward. She deserves the answers she is looking for.

"Tracking. Tracking Victoria."

Her sharp intake of breath makes me rush into more words. I can't bare the idea that the thought of Victoria might bring her even one second of fear. If it is the last thing I do, I will hunt Victoria down until she is nothing but a cooling pile of ashes at Bella's feet.

"I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea. I didn't realise the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you in Forks. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria would come back."

I have to work hard to contain the snarl that wants to escape my chest at the mere thought of Victoria daring to threaten so much as one hair on Bella's head. When my lips involuntarily curl back to let the sound escape, Alice shifts loudly in her seat. It's a reminder of where we are and who might overhear. Control re-established, I rush on with my explanation of my heinous act.

"I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had that kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him – that kept me from see the depth of them, the bond there."

I confess my first failing with my eyes anxiously fixed on Bella's face. Her expression is almost... bemused. I don't know what to make of it, so rush on with more words.

"Not that there is any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice – what she saw herself – when I realised that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself."

I flinch at the thought, and tighten my hands around Bella's, needing reassurance that she is really here, now. Not broken into a thousand pieces under the paws of...

Bella breathes out loudly, as though she had been holding her breath; dragging my attention back to her and away from my free falling rush into panic because of my minds unending ability to find new images of the million and one different ways that Bella could die. My words rush on.

"Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see you and feel your hand in my own. I am the most miserable excuse for–"

My words cut off as a flash of anguish darkens her eyes, and I hate myself a million times more because I put that expression on her face, again. Was this too much? Was my guilt-riddled rush of words hardening her resolving against me? Was I making any sense at all? I'm not sure. She is still allowing her hand to touch mine – is that a sign of something positive?

Resolve seems to settle on her face, and I tense for her rejection. Oh God, Bella. I don't know how to exist without you, please don't push me away. My next breath feels laboured.

"Edward. This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this...this guilt...rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me. None of it is your fault; it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realise that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, not your fault. I know it's your...nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible – think of Esme and Carlisle."

Her calm monologue might have sounded so reasonable to anyone else, but it fills me with incredulity. How can I feel anything else but guilty? It is the path of my actions that led us to here; this stilted, draining tension that is keeping as separated.

But qow can she not understand that it was an emotion far simpler than guilt that sent me to the Volturi; pure despair. She is my whole world, and I had been ripping myself in tinier and tinier broken pieces each day that I kept us apart. I had destroyed myself with absence, so she might live a human life, in the light, as she deserved. When Rosalie called, and I had confirmation that Charlie was arranging a funeral, everything stopped. There was no choice to make. She was gone, so I would follow. No guilt, no excuse, no reasoning. I took the steps needed to end me and allow me to follow. _Simple._

Yet she believes it was my guilt that drove me to such desperate acts. It's inconceivable to me. I can't understand _how_ that could be her interpretation of events. Struggling with myself, I try to explain again.

"You believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"

"Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend."

_So_ much more. Guilt, self hatred, frantic grief. There aren't words enough to explain. My darling, you are the sun around which I orbit, and the only thing in this world that I can't live without. How can you believe I was only motivated by something as insipid as guilt?

"Then...what are you saying?"

The oddest thing happens. Alice's obnoxious ABBA singing is silenced. I realise, Alice is trying to be supportive despite how she feels about my behaviour. She is still blocking her thoughts but has replaced singing by the recalling of a piece of opera favoured by Carlisle. I don't know if it is a deliberate selection to attempt to soothe me with classic music, as I have so often tried myself, or an ironical nod to my situation. The coincidence of the last time I had heard the piece is not lost to me. Neither are the meaning of the words crooned in German by the male singer she is mentally recalling. Either way, I don't linger to figure it out.

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead. Even if I'd had no hand in your death, even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful – I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it second hand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral. What are the odds?"

"But I don't understand. That's my whole point. So what?"

"Excuse me?"

"So what if I was dead?"

"Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember everything that you told me."

It's there again, that flinch of pain darkening her eyes that leaves me with a sinking sense of how little I deserve a second chance to belong in her life.

"Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension. I thought I'd explained it clearly before. I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"Where are you going with this?" She sounds outraged, for want of a better word, as she shakes her head as though to deny the truth I was trying, and appallingly failing, to explain. "Are you saying that you left me – loving me?"

I can't help myself, in the pressure of the moment my hands reach out to grab her back onto my lap.

She jerks away, slamming back against the wall of the plane.

Please look in my eyes, Bella. See and believe the love I have for you there. I know I'm an undeserving wretch, but it's all I have to offer. Please, _please..._

"You're lying!"

"I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."

"You call me a trouble magnet and yet you are willing to leave me for my own good? You promised that you would protect me."

Fraught with rising panic, my words are sharper than they should be, "Let me finish!"

"There are no words that you can tell me, Edward, that will ever justify this."

She kills me with a sentence. Blanking my mind in fifteen words. I am supposed to be so talented, so intelligent and yet the words that I need to say will not come, and the words that I am managing to speak seem to be causing more damage than good. It's agonising. I have a thousand thoughts in my head but I am unable to vocalise even one to defend myself in the face of her accusations. How can one defended the indefensible?

"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye, you weren't going to let go. I could see that. I didn't want to do it. It felt like it would kill me to do it, but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you any more, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that if you thought I'd moved on, so would you. Still, for you to believe me so quickly." I winced. "That was...excruciating."

It took less than fifty words from me to create the broken, scared mess that we are now. On that day, I'd taken her into the woods to be away from all the happy memories that existed for me in Charlie's modest little house. Knowing that I couldn't force myself to leave if I was surrounded by the warmth of her life reflected in her home.

The dark, sunless spot that I'd picked seemed appropriate for what I was going to do. A metaphor for the life that Bella was so eager to run towards with me. Bella was like the sun for me; the source of light and warmth in my life. What I did that day was create a universe in which the sun was gone and where nothing was left except frigid cold and unending darkness.

I had set out to destroy her confidence in me, not herself. What I achieved was so much worse. I can see that now, how efficient I was. What a latent talent for cruelty I had had in the dark little spot under the trees. It's difficult to believe that I am the creation of an individual who is the personification of compassion and love. Carlisle is a fool to call me son.

I'm fighting against the fruits of my labours now; her doubts and anger and my paralysing fear. My stumbling, misconceived verbal fumblings seem to be slashing new scars in her trust in me rather than healing the existing one. What a twisted, misguided fool I've been.

Back then, my gentle Bella had tried hard to fight passed my lies, at least initially. Of course she'd failed, because my resolve had been a living thing inside me; crouched and vicious, fighting her every attempt to be allowed to love me. The resolve had settled in me, so ice cold that it was impenetrable to any other influence or persuasion –I would not fail at leaving her safe.

At the time it had felt like I had broken every promise I had ever made to protect and treasure her for the priceless creature of light and love that she was to me, but Bella's future happiness had been at stake. At least that had been the way I had seen it. She was a precious gift to the world that I would not risk at any cost. Every word I said after the creation of my resolve was a corrosive, poisonous lie which necessitated that I twisted the truth that had always existed between us to push her away for her own good.

Her self-doubt had been distressing. In that moment I realised every touch, word or gesture of love hadn't been understood. She believed that she was not good enough _for me_. I had been trying to leave because I was not good enough _for her._ In the middle of such mixed confusion we destroyed each other.

And for what? Despite our current circumstances, I know in myself that I would have come back. It had not been about if, so much as when. And where has it taken us. Six months of pain and danger. Bella and my family exposed to Volturi. So many revolting ramifications because of my actions.

I deserve this moment on this plane. It is living proof of my clumsy, heavy handed, fiasco of an attempt to save my Bella. How many more ways could I fail her? I had failed to love her enough for her to believe in herself while she was mine to love. I failed to leave her alone, safe in her human life. I am failing in my attempt to convince her that all my previous words had been lies.

"So what are you saying Edward? It was some sort of test, and I failed? You presented me with my worst nightmare, dressed up in all of my insecurities about myself...us... and I failed you, because I didn't argue with you?"

You argued with me, my darling, you argued like a tigress. I was just too stupid to listen. I welcome her fury, in fact I rejoice in it. Give me your anger, Bella. I deserve it, anything is better than your silence.

"I only left to try to protect you." The words sound so inadequate now. Worthless. Yet they had been the defining motivation when I left. I had been so sure of my purpose, and it had all gone to hell.

"You want to know how protected you left me? You want to know how Sam Uley and the Quileute Pack found me lying semiconscious in the dirt on the forest floor after I tried to follow you? Guess you were moving too fast to hear me, huh? That they had to carry me back to Charlie's house. How the only thing I could say was, 'he's gone'. Then I said next to nothing for about a week.

"You have no idea, do you? How they intervened again when Laurent found me in the meadow, or that part of me wished that they hadn't stopped him. If that is your idea of safety, then you need to think again. You'd have been better to leave me with James. At least then the agony would have been finite."

Each of her words burn more than the previous, and I freeze. She right, I had no idea of the depth of the danger she was in. No idea at all.

"After what happened with Jasper, instead of talking to me about it, you shut down on me. Shut me out. Do you think I didn't realise that there was something more going on with you that evening, the next day? I knew, in fact I felt sick to my stomach with stress over it. You shut me out, and then made decisions for both of us based on what you thought was right. Well look how well that worked out.

"We should have pulled together when faced with a problem; instead it pulled us apart. You hid what you were feeling from me, and then you ran away."

With a sudden explosion of movement, Bella is out of her seat and standing in the isle. Alice stands to join her. I can hear in the back of my mind that we have an audience, but I don't give damn. Let them listen. They couldn't judge me any worse than I judge myself. I have no excuse for it. I panic, jumping up to follow her and grab her by the arm as gently as I can manage.

A stewardess arrives to complain about the spectacle that we are making. Her inner annoyance shouts loudly in my mind. I ignore her, focusing solely on Bella who is standing tense and trembling.

Alice feeds the human annoyance a story, and between Alice and Jody, who comes to help, she is pursued to leave. Throughout this Bella and I stand, connect by my hand on her arm, in a tense standoff. I should let her go, but I can't. If my life depended on it, I could not make my fingers move from the warmth of her skin.

"Edward, let me go, now!"

_Forgive me._ "No."

"Bella? Edward, let her go, you don't want to have this conversation here." Alice's tries to intervene and is ignored. "

Bella seems as oblivious to her as I am, and does not respond to the obvious anxiousness in Alice's normally confident voice. I want her to respond to me, and pull gently on her arm, willing to moving her back to me an inch at a time if necessary.

"Edward!" Alice hisses. She could have screamed it, I wouldn't have listened anymore than I am now. This is a battle between Bella and me. No one else matters.

Bella starts to struggle in earnest.

_Forgive me._ "No." I pull again, she pulls back and it is stalemate between us.

Alice tries again with Bella, recognising, I think, that I am lost to the tempest. I'm too invested in the outcome to give a damn about the risk of making a spectacle in front of a plane full of gawping humans. Her fingers touch Bella's wet cheeks tenderly. Just a whisper of contact. Bella shudders, and then sobs quietly. So quietly I could almost imagine that the noise never existed.

When she starts to shake, my hands move from her arm to her waist, and pull again.

_Forgive me._ "Bella."

It's only then that I realise that my hands on her waist are shaking, too. Her damp eyes lift to mine and I am burning again within her gaze. Burning and begging and desperate even as she tries to move away again.

_Forgive me._ "Bella."

I try again, applying gentle but firm pressure until I feel her feet move. I stop tugging, and her feet are still moving. The relief almost brings me to my knees.

Oh, Bella. You were a thief, and I your willing victim. You stole my heart before I ever heard you coming and the rest of me belonged to you from straight after. I can only hope that you will willingly bring it back to me, despite all the damage I've done with my foolish best intentions. I may be able to exist without my heart, but it would be just that – an existence. Any life I dreamed or wished would leave with you

"Bella, love."

I won't fail you again, I swear. Please come back to me. Her feet are moving again, and if I could I would be crying tears of relief. I hold her to me, finding relief in the feeling of her heart thundering against my chest, her breath against my neck, and the heavy silk of her hair in my hands. Entwined together, I rock us both still shaking.

_Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me_

"Bella, Bella, Bella..."

I count off her heartbeats, blessed by each one her beautiful heart makes to mark the time she is allowing me to hold her like this. I will never let her go.

But all things have to come to an end, even this heaven. I see my end through Alice's eyes rather than my own. Feel it through the returning tension in Bella's body, and hear it through Bella's sobbing voice, and accept it in the moment that I stop rocking her in my arms and let her go.

"We made a mistake, leaving," Alice says simply.

"You made them leave," Bella accuses me, before looking to Alice."You mean, he made a mistake!" You took her away. My happiness, my family, the life I had chosen, our future. "

Her eyes brimming with tears as she delivers her killing blow."I really wish I could hate you. It would be easier than this!"

And I am burning again...

* * *

_The opera that Alice mentally recalls is Wandrers Nachtlied by Schubert. _

_Translations and recordings of it are all easily found on google and youtube._

_Cookie to anyone who knows why it's relevant to New Moon. ;)_


End file.
